Terrible twos are hardly an urban parenting legend. Everyone knows it’s real and no one looks forward to it. Terrible twos can begin any time after your child’s first Birthday, and in some cases – even before that, so a lot of parents, although they’re aware of this developmental stage, are often caught by surprise as they expect it to start some time around their toddler’s 2nd Birthday. Well, this stuff is a little trickier than you thought!
You might also be caught off-guard if your child used to be cooperative and obedient before. Terrible twos will correct that immensely: your angelic boy or girl will become assertive, negative and unruly, and all you’ll be left with is a lot of confusion. Is it possible that your toddler will never go through this phase? Yes, it is possible, but let’s just say that that would be a very, very rare case, so it’s important to know the basics about this time in your toddler’s life.
First of all, how do you know the Terrible Twos are knocking on your door? Look for changes, new signs, new behavior patterns that you’ve never noticed before, like assertiveness. Does your child insist on doing stuff you explicitly asked him or her not to do? Is there a hissy fit every time you don’t give your kid what has been demanded off you? Is there crying, banging head on things or simply not listening? Some kids will demonstrate typical patterns of a power struggle. They will push their own (and your) limits just to see if they can get their way or how much they can get away with. A most obvious sign, however, is them saying “NO” to everything. The risk of getting “no” as a reply is higher if the child is tired, or hungry, or your questions predispose them to giving a plain “yes or no” (then it will definitely be a “no”). This word seems to have such a magic ring to them that apparently some toddlers will say “NO” while nodding!
How can you handle this? Some parents say that apart from asking advice from other parents who’ve been through this experience, the best remedies that work for most kids are distraction, separation and compromise.
Distraction is an obvious solution. Try engaging your child’s attention: play some music or come up with a quick (!) fun activity. Separation works because if you remove your child from the “scene” of the tantrum (and believe you me, there will be plenty of those) the change of setting might have a calming effect on the crying toddler (as location is associated with the cause of the temper tantrum). Compromise is a more difficult thing to accomplish, because it’s not always easy to define the fine line between compromise and simply giving in and giving up. If you let your child win one battle, you may be able to win the war in the long run. Just make sure you don’t turn yourself into an over-indulgent parent.
While applying all or any of these, please try to control yourself. Yelling back at the toddler will not do anybody any good. It will most likely make your child think that screaming is normal, and ok, and should be done at will. It’s not easy to be a parent, and it’s our responsibility to contain our anger and frustration while our little ones are going through a bad phase. While speaking use your calm voice. It’s ok to raise your voice a little, but just make sure you refrain from making a big mistake by letting the steam off at that very moment.
Apart from these techniques you can try ignoring the temper tantrum. In all honesty, this one doesn’t always work. You won’t know it until you try it with your child. The screaming and throwing of toys may stop or may go on, but at least you’ll know you tried!
Ever heard of the “time-out chair”? It’s also a good way of making toddlers learn about cause and effect. Starting it early will help them learn quicker (18 months + is a good age). You don’t have to put your child in a chair for a long period of time. Start off by giving them time out for a few seconds or for as long as the toddler will actually sit in the chair. You can increase the time later on until they eventually get the meaning of it, and they always do at some point.
Don’t get upset if nothing works, and I hate to break it to you, but you might be one of the unlucky parents who do everything right with zero effect. In this case try your hardest to relax and not let it get to you. Think positive: this developmental phase, too, shall pass.